A happy post
09 Nov 2010 1 Comment
Priss slept great last night! I woke at 3 am and thought I’d heard something so I went to check on her, and she was asleep on the floor next to the baby gate. I’m starting to thing she might be a sleepwalker (much like her mama was). Or she wanted more juice and just didnt quite stay awake long enough to call out to me. Whatever the reason, she was actually still asleep when I picked her up and put her in bed. And she was her happy giggling self at 630 am. She even played with her toys this morning while I finished getting ready for work.
Lately I’ve actually made a big effort in making sure I look great at work. Partly because it makes me feel good, and partly because I’m getting back in my ‘Goddess’ mode and it helps that I want to make sure I look good just in case I cross paths with J 
Yep, gotta look good for the boy!
I’m on track with this time change now. I love that its pretty and light in the mornings, and honestly the early darkness makes it a little easier to put little miss priss to bed. Its a beautiful day outside today-just cool enough but still bright and sunny. I’m going to try to make this a fantastic day, even though I’m sure the 30 minutes of Chaos will begin about 9 am. Its ok, I’ve had my (giant) coffee-I’m ready for it!
Fall is upon us…
02 Nov 2010 Leave a Comment
I can’t believe its finally November!! October used to be my favorite month. The end of THIS October has royally sucked though. I’ve had a sick baby for the past 4 days. She had some sort of stomach flu/virus and spent the past 4 days either throwing up or needed serious diaper changes. She missed her very first class party and all the fun of trick or treating. She didn’t even wear her costume outside of the house. I keep reminding myself that she has no idea what halloween is yet, and she didnt really miss out on anything, but its hard. She’s been so miserable the past few days, hasn’t slept well (which means mommy isn’t sleeping well) and its just been rough. I’ve tried to remember to have patience and that my strength will see me through it, but I’m thinking even Superman has his moments where he can’t take anymore, and I was reduced to crying on the floor last night in Priss’s room while she screamed for some unknown reason.
Today I woke up cranky (6 hours of sleep in 4 days) and ended up having a tiny breakdown at work which got me sent home (in a nice way) to pick up Priss and give her another day of rest. Which must have worked-her horrid diaper rash is almost completely gone, she napped, only had 2 small tantrums, and its past 8 pm and she’s been asleep for atleast a half an hour!
So tomorrow is the beginning of my Sweet November. I have a busy month coming up-Priss is staying with her aunt this weekend, so momma gets a night out! Next weekend is a much anticipated baby shower for a wonderful friend and one of my favorite past times-my neice’s cheer competition. Its the one time I can get decked out in pink and shiny bling, yell and dance in my seat and NOT look like the crazy person! I even ordered shirts for Priss and I so we can really fit in. My beautiful neice is an amazingly talented cheerleader, and is part of a fantastic private team, so watching them perform is amazing. And as a former cheerleader & dancer I LOVE the competition season! Thanksgiving will be a little weird, since my mom flew to the netherlands this afternoon, she won’t be back until December, so that means no home cooked Thanksgiving dinner (um, no Im NOT cooking-are you crazy?) so it may be a little sad around here for that holiday, but I’m not going to let that dampen my spirits! The weather is fabulous, its the start of the holiday season, and I’m going to just enjoy it!
Forgivness is a step…
26 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment
I think its harder to say ‘I forgive you’ than it is to say ‘I love you’ for the first time. It takes a great deal of strength to realize that even though someone hurt you, that you can find it in your soul to give them back something-your forgivness. I have had many relationships, and a teeny-tiny amount of them (3 actually) I believed were true. I believed I was in love and I was willing to give my entire heart to that person, naively believing ‘He loves me, he wouldn’t hurt me’. Well, that was untrue. I want to believe that if you truly love someone that you would never hurt them, but I also believe that you are hurt worse by those you love. I know, its contradictory. I had told myself 7 years ago that I wouldn’t give my heart to another man and let him break it. Well, that failed about 6 years ago. I told myself 3 years ago I wouldn’t ever want to be married or have kids-I wanted to live life for ME and finally be selfish for myself. Well, obviously THAT didnt happen either, as I now have the most beautiful toddler in the world.
I guess life takes you in unexpected places. You meet who you meet and fall for who you fall for with unexplained reasons. If you constantly try to plan every little thing, try to map out your entire future and say ‘This is how I want it’, you will miss those unexpected moments and maybe miss out on something important. Live your life. Find someone who makes you happy, who just the thought of puts a smile on your face, who you know you can tell every secret to, and maybe-just maybe-believe that ‘he loves me, he wouldn’t hurt me’. You have to open up your heart, empty it from anger, distrust, pain, and let it be wide open to accepting love, honesty, happiness and laughter. Let your heart and soul be fed with love and laughter-that is what will make you happy. When you release all that negative emotion in your heart and soul, you realize what is truly out there for you.
I used to think that just eating well & exercising were all I needed to do to be healthy. I didnt realize that my attitude and what I held on to emotionally was a factor to how I felt physically as well. Holding on to pain, anger, disappointment and regret really weighs you down. Since I made a personal goal on my last birthday to try to work through some of my anger issues and to let go of all that heartache and anger I was holding towards other people in my life, I’ve felt so much better. And suddenly, I dropped 3 lbs in a week.
Its all a circle. I feel better so I have more energy to work out, I feel less stressed so I’m not stress eating, and I’m not mad so I’m focusing more on my workouts and how I feel DURING my workouts. Those 3 hours a week that I would normally zone off and daydream or relieve past bad moments in my life (cause I’m weird like that) are now spent controlling my breathing and really focusing on how each movement, whether its Yoga, Circuit Training, or just walking with M2, feels in my body and I imagine its either strengthing that muscle or burning the fat. Its made me really enjoy my workouts more and has lead to a great feeling after I complete whatever workout I’m doing. Who would have thought emotions would weigh you down in a way that you can literally feel? Not me for sure, but 3 lbs lighter and I sure do believe it!
So with an open heart, I put myself out in the world. Ready to let myself feel that happiness of just living life again.
State Fair!
16 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment
What a day!! Took Priss up to work since she hadn’t been there in awhile. She got to hang out with her daddy for a few minutes. Its funny, he and I have actually been talking some. We spent the whole Stars game texting last night, and have made plans to go to some haunted houses next weekend. I’m hoping we can stay on this good path. I originally said that I would never forgive him for what he put me through, but I’m working hard on trust & forgivness and even though it was an epic fail with JK perhaps JF isnt quite as selfish when put to the real test. Atleast I know he isnt afraid of committment and family life. I know thats what he really wants, is a wife and kids-I’m not saying thats where I think this is headed, but at least I know going in that it is a possiblity somewhere down the line. The difference with JK is that he lead me to believe it WAS possible this time with us, which was (gasp) a lie. Its been 4 days since he told me he was seeing a friend a mine, and surprisingly in that 4 days my hurt has turned to incredible amusement and disgust. Just the thought of him makes my stomach hurt (thats the disgust), so at least I know its finally over, someone who had any sort of feelings for you at all would respect you more than that. The amusement comes from the person he is with being so NOT his type that certain things she has said on facebook make me giggle b/c I can just imagine his face when these things are said/done/happen in real life. (and I’m seriously laughing right now thinking about one in particular!!!) I’m not judging her at all or trying to be catty-I just know that some of these things are so opposite of him, and she is so enthusiastic about those things that he is just not going to get it. But at least I get some serious laughter at his expense! Ok, THAT was bitchy, but I think he got all the niceness out of me he’s getting for 7 years of drama and bullshit that he put me through.
So back to the SFOT, we had a good time. Went to a puppet show which sadly scared Priss. She isnt scared of ANYTHING yet, she had a death grip around my neck and was jus barely peeking around my shoulder to see the show. We mostly just walked around and looked at the goodies to buy. I was even VERY good and the only think I ate while there was some nachos!! I really really want to get my weight under control, and am proud to say that even the State Fair with all its gooey fried goodness couldn’t sway me off my track! Yes! Priss even helped me out by knocking over the one Fireman’s #4 that I got after only 2 drinks. I should of got a MUL, and didnt really need it anyway :/ LUCKILY I did NOT run into my ex and his ‘new’ girlfriend, since they were apparently there today too. FANFREAKINTASTIC. I’ve been saying for 2 weeks (on facebook even) that I was going to the fair on Friday, what a crazy coincidence that they go on FRIDAY.
So far the 2 days off have been nice. Looking forward to CoCo’s wedding tomorrow and hopefully a little drinking!! Woo!
The morning after…
12 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment
So amazingly I wake up this morning and feel pretty good. It took something completely disgusting for JK to do to let me finally see who he really is and what I really meant to him. So I can finally accept that it is over and move on from him and all the miserable moments we had. I actually find myself incredibly amused by his ‘replacement’ for me. He always thought I was too much drama, well his new girlfriend is a freaking DRAMA teacher. I really like her, I always have, and although she is obviously a bad friend to break the ‘girl code’ and not date a friend’s ex (especially one that she knew wasn’t a good guy) I do like her as a person. But she is incredibly dramatic. She’s a Harry Potter freak. In fact, the only thing I can really think of that they have in common is probably music. I am almost positive that in another few weeks her dramatic outbursts will get on his nerves. And that thought makes me giggle. A lot of giggles actually. She is far from his type of person, and she won’t really fit in with his friends, but whatever. He always seems to go for my complete opposite when he realizes he is getting to close to me.
I dont even know how this managed to happen, and that actually bugs me a little, but really-its none of my concern anymore. I’m pissed that she didnt come to me, I’m pissed that another good friend didnt come to me, but I’m not at all surprised that he hid this from me for however long its been going on (I think 2 months AT LEAST it could very well be more).
But today is a new day, I’ve already got a couple of interests lined up, and really this is a GOOD thing. He’ll probably be soooo proud of himself if he knew that he finally helped me get past him-bullshit. All YOU did was act like your normal jackass self. I just finally opened my love blind eyes and saw you for what you truly are-selfish, immature, using, and well selfish.
You should really look at the kind of person you are and how you want to be percieved. I am strong, caring, sexy, loving, intelligient (not that he thought so) and a good mom. Those are the traits I want other people to recognize me for, and I think I do a pretty good job of portraying myself as that. NO MAN will ever name my self worth again. I am ME and I’m proud of it. There is a smart man out there who isnt too selfish to see me for what I am, and someday, when I am ready for him, I will find him.
Wow….
12 Oct 2010 1 Comment
So here I’ve been thinking that life is finally getting under control. I’m ready to start meeting new people, getting out and active. I’d finally made peace with some of my relationship issues. Even went so far as to offer an apology to JK for being so hard on him and our relationship.
And he sends me a TEXT (note-text, not a phone call like a mature person would do who actually cared about how you felt) that he is dating someone. someone I know. A friend that I hang with occasionally.
Are you fucking kidding me. I’m just amazed. blown away. I cry….and cry….and cry. Then I cry more because since I cant STOP crying my beautiful daughter is seeing her mommy in pain and comes to hug me and pat my hair. Which just makes me cry more, because now he has taken my ability to look strong in front of my little girl. He took my pride, he took my trust, he took my unconditional love for every time he was a complete and totally jackass to me, he took my self esteem and he took my strength.
But I think I’ve finally let go of him. I’ve always told myself he would never grow up, would never be ready for a mature ADULT relationship and I was obviously correct.
So JK you’ve taken the last bit from me you will ever take. You were never worth my time or my pain, and its a shame that it took me 7 years to see it. I feel ridiculous even saying it to myself. Thats along time for me to be love-blinded.
So, moving on….
What to do….
10 Oct 2010 1 Comment
So I’ve decided I need to ‘get out’ and make some new friends and possibly find a new love interest out there. clearly JK has moved on to someone else, since my humbling opening up meant not a single thing to him. Not that anything that I said to him was at all a plea to get him back, but the fact that he basically took everything I said with a ‘thats good for you’ mentality. I know, I always expect too much from people and just get mad when I dont get what I expect for a response. I dont even know WHAT I expected for a response, but since he pretty much didnt say anything back after telling him all that I’m guessing that his new girlfriend is keeping him preoccupied. So whatev…..
Anyhow. I’m really trying to figure out how to go about meeting new people. New friends, some playdates for Priss, and maybe among all that I might actually find a guy. It has been suggested to me to go on match.com, but that was such a failure last time with the 3 tools I went out with off there that I’m not sure about trying it again. I did update my profile, BUT didnt subscribe, maybe I’ll change my mind. So I’ve been trying to find some single parent groups on meetup, I’m also thinking about going to church and maybe joining one of the groups-most have a singles group, or atleast a women’s group so I can try to make some new friends. I dont know if I want to try one of those ‘non demoninational’ churches, or start going back to Catholic Church. I’d like to put Priss in catholic school in the future, (maybe) so it would probably make sense to go back to a Catholic Church.
I just know I’m missing some companionship in my life-not a man exactly, but some friendships. I miss the days that at anytime I could call one of several people to go out to do something, but now anything I go out to do needs to be kid friendly or planned well in advance (like the wedding I’m going to next weekend) for a sitter. It would be nice to have some single mom friends who are going through what I am.
So my search is on!
Weekend….
09 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment
The weekend is here! Yay! I’ve actually had a pretty good week. Priss had a rough start, but we have ended the week with a full belly and going to bed easily. I decided to put Priss in a toddler bed when we moved, simply because her crib was a POS, and instead of buying another crib for her to use for just a couple of months I figured I’d go ahead and move her to a big girl bed. Plus, at daycare she was sleeping on a cot, so same difference right?
This toddler bed may actually put me over the edge. The problem is if she doesnt WANT to go to sleep (and seriously, what toddler actually wants to go to bed) I have to stay in there until she is almost asleep otherwise she gets out of bed and comes to find me. She had been going to bed pretty easily-I’d put her in bed, turn on a baby einstiens music DVD and she would be out. Now, its harder since she figured out how easy it is to get in and out of her bed!
So now I sit and sing her songs until she falls asleep. Sometimes its 2 hours, sometimes its 20 minutes. The last couple of nights its only been about 20 minutes. Perhaps we are FINALLY getting the hang of it. I sing ALOT of songs. I start out with nursery rhymes, move on to a little non-hard core Staind, and usually end with Simon & Garfunkle. Sadly, its usually For Emily that she falls asleep too and that just happens to be mine and JKs song. But its the ONLY one I fully know every word to (other than Sound of Silence) so its usually my last resort song, b/c singing it makes me incredibly sad.
But anyway. Its the weekend now. She is sleeping soundly, I am curled up in bed writing this blog. Tomorrow I’m going to lunch with my mom & grandmother to celebrate my birthday. I’m taking next Thurs/Fri off to go shop for myself (finally using some gift cards woo!) and take Priss to the State Fair. YES! Fried food here I come!!
Om…..
07 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment
We started our first day of Yoga yesterday. I went into it with an open mind, ready to focus on the feel of my body stretching, my mind relaxing and focusing on my breathing. I feel GREAT. The yoga that we had been doing here at work is more of a calorie burning hard yoga so I’ve really resented going to it in the past because it HURT. We started over yesterday and are starting at the very basic level of yoga, and I really enjoyed it, relaxed, didnt think about work, bills, home, relationships etc. I just let my mind focus on the feel of each muscle stretching out, my body placement and my breathing. I was so relaxed and felt so great afterwards! I actually went home and had a GREAT night with Priss, she went to bed easily and slept great until 1 am (little fit for about 5 minutes then back to sleep). I woke up feeling rested, happy, content, and just ready for the day!
I’m going into each day of the workouts with an open mind and trying to really focus on how my body is responding to each workout, and really focus on proper breathing. I’m going to give myself to the workout and perhaps that will be what really gets my body back in shape!
I can’t believe that one little hour made me feel so amazing about myself and my life. Its so good to finally feel like I’m REAL again. I’ve been this shadow of my former self and have hated it. I didnt know what I needed to do to get back to enjoying life again, but the Fall weather, the exercise, the release of all the stress & anger has made this amazing difference. I hope it lasts!
Me? Forgiving? Naw….
06 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment
Yep! One of my steps for bettering my life is to realize that I needed to forgive some people. Myself included. I needed to let go of the anger, pain, dissappointment, and hurt from the last few years. And I finally did it.
I spent alot of time blaming JK for our relationship not working. I never once placed blame on myself. Now, while he is mostly to blame, I didnt help. This last time we were together all he tried to do was make me happy. And everytime he did one little thing that I didnt like (not calling me back immediatly, or not calling after a late night at work) I jumped all over him. There were some occasions that he could of tried harder (NYE for instance) but he devoted his entire Christmas to me and my family, he made it a point to come to my house even though he didnt like coming to my house for a variety of reasons, sent me roses-something I never would have expected. He made some compromises, I made less compromises-I thought I shouldn’t have too. I held things he had done in the past against him this time, and even though he gave me NO reason to distrust him I still did based on things that had happened 4 years previously. I insisted he open his heart up to me and give me 100% yet I wouldnt do the same for him. I was very unfair and unforgiving.
He had some problems too-I won’t make excuses for him. But he did try his best, and I recognize that now. He did things for me that I never would have expected him to. And it hurts me now to realize I didnt give him the credit that he deserved for those things, and expected even more. I kept pushing that if he really loved me he would do everything I wouldnt tell him I wanted him to do (i.e read my mind). And thats just NOT him. Subtle hints are not his strong point, and I’ve always known that about him. My stubborness and lack of abilty to ask for help held me back from just enjoying our relationship. I kept trying to force it into something it was already moving into slowly on its own, but I didnt recognize that until now. I wanted it to happen NOW NOW NOW instead of being patient. Impatience is one of my flaws for sure.
I told him a few days ago that I forgave him for the mistakes he made. I also forgive myself for the mistakes I made. I’m not perfect, and neither is he. And expecting him to be was just selfish and silly of me. He’s a great guy, and a wonderful boyfriend when given the opportunity. I wish I had tried as hard as he was trying.
I want to be the everything to a guy. But he has to want it to, and me forcing it on to someone will not make a relationship work. I did the same thing with another ex who I actually had a dream about the other night. He also was a damn good boyfriend, and because he wasn’t doing exactly what I wanted him to all the time, I ended up leaving. Thinking that I was always right and that it had to be MY way. I’ve learned that I need to figure out what compromise means and be willing to do it. A good relationship is built on trust, compromise, love, understanding. I have the love part-the rest I really need to work on. I didnt trust Chastain either, and that made me run from him. He didnt give me any reason to not believe in him either. He wanted to slowly build our life together, and make me happy. But I didnt trust him-I pushed and pushed and just pushed myself away from him. And now he is happily married and from what I can see he makes his wife very happy. THAT could have been me. He told me he wanted to be married to me and I couldn’t just accept that. There had to be something wrong. And there was-ME. It was my vivid imagination and my wild crazy thoughts that just screwed it all up. My impatience, unrealistic expectations, stubborness, and temper are all things for me to work on.
Looks like the epic fail in my relationships may just be ME. Oops 
Thats something for me to work harder on. Being secure in the fact that I AM a great, loving, supportive girlfriend when I have someone giving the same back to me. But I have to learn to trust someone and realize when they are truly being good to me or I will always be alone.
